The Roast of Steven Universe
by lightyearpig
Summary: To honor the coming end of Steven Universe Future and the end of the Steven Universe series altogether, the animated community hold a comedy roast for America's favorite Crystal Gems. Some jokes do cross a few lines, so viewer discretion is advised.


**The Roast of Steven Universe**  
**(inspired by various comedy roasts I've seen around the Internet)**

* * *

"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, LIVE FROM LITTLE HOMEWORLD, IT'S THE COMEDY ROAST OF THE CAST OF STEVEN UNIVERSE!" Spinel announced as the spotlights shone upon the Crystal Gems sitting on a set of dais on the right while the celebrity roasters were on a left set of dais with a podium in the middle where the stretchy Gem introduced the roast. "FEATURING CELEBRITY GUEST STARS LIKE SCROOGE MCDUCK, STAR BUTTERFLY, THE PINES FAMILY, RICK AND MORTY, AND MUCH MUCH MORE! AND NOW OUR MASTERS OF CEREMONIES, aside from yours truly that is, THE GREAT DIAMOND AUTHORITY!"

The crowd of other characters began going wild as Spinel bounced offstage, making way for White, Yellow and Blue Diamond to appear, towering over literally everyone. "Oh thank you, thank you everyone! You're so kind." White declared gratefully. "So is this what these "roasts" are like, just say things about people and expect them to laugh?" Yellow muttered. "Oh whatever. As you're all so informed, our show is coming to an end next month. A real tragedy I know, but I suppose we can all make the best of it."

"Speaking of which, allow us to introduce to you our first celebrity guest." Blue announced. "He's been in the business for so long, home to one of the catchiest theme songs in all animated television history, we give to you: SCROOGE MCDUCK!"

A round of applause sounded for the richest duck in Duckburg as he made his way to the podium and prepared his jokes. "Ah, so glad ye decided to have me over everyone." Scrooge stated. "If the 1987 version of me were here, he'd probably add y'all to the Money Bin." Right off the bat, laughter sounded from the crowd. "Speaking of which, Burger Beagle lost some weight because fat jokes would be considered in poor taste these days, but I s'pose they missed out on when ye sang the praises of yer favorite ice cream."

The laughter soon turned into ooh's in response to Scrooge taking no prisoners on his first quip. "Seriously lad, ye come so far!" the Scottish waterfowl complimented Steven. "Ye went from defeating a monster with a refrigerator to refusing help from the people you love when you're having your issues. Great messages for the kids at home!"

Steven, Garnet, Amethyst and Pearl laughed raucously in response while Scrooge wiped a tear from his eye. "And why's everyone making such big deals about how you're breakin' boundaries with all the same-sex relationship junk?" McDuck continued. "Disney's been doing that for literal ages with my nephew and his South American amigos. I mean c'mon now, they're basically a couple and yet everyone is too focused on minor characters in Disney's current films to notice!"

In the audience, Donald blushed like mad in response to his uncle while Jose Carioca whistled innocently and Panchito Pistoles let out a quiet "Dios mio."

"If ye all think I'm being too offensive here, c'mon now! I'm literally decades old, of course my sense of humor is as ancient!" Scrooge chuckled. "But in all seriousness Steven, I'm gonna miss havin' ye around m'boy. Hopefully wherever you go next, it'll be way, way up! Goodnight everyone!"

* * *

"Gee folks, we're off to a roarin' start!" Spinel exclaimed as Scrooge returned to his seat. "Already I suppose some people are gonna be triggered, but this is a roast! Seriously, no one has a sense of humor nowadays. But speaking of humor; you know her, you love her, you shipped her with literally every one of her supporting cast, and wanted her dead for finding an actual boyfriend: STAR BUTTERFLY!"

The crowd began cheering again, albeit a bit more half-hearted due to recent events, as the former princess of Mewni took the stage. "HIII! I've been roasted before, but being a roaster this time makes me so excited!" Star cheered. "Hey, why is everyone so quiet?"

"Because you pulled a Thanos!" a formerly corrupted Gem in the audience cried out. "Oh please, if I really did pull a Thanos then I'd probably have to toss someone off a cliff first." Star snarked, causing the audience to laugh once more. "I mean look at the guy! He's so obsessed with some chick who doesn't care, he'd make a better incel icon than the Joker!"

The aforementioned Clown Prince of Crime let out his trademark cackle while Thanos glowered next to him.

"Now Steven, I've heard that your creator credited the manga series Future Boy Conan as a major inspiration." Star continued. "Well at the direction your show is going, it's becoming more like Evangelion, only you're not the one in a gay relationship with some hot guy who turns out to be a universe destroying monster." More cackling. "But let's move onto another member of your cast. Connie I gotta say, I'm really proud of you for sticking with Steven this whole time. Mostly because there are barely any characters your age you could ditch him for like what Marco did."

Marco let out a loud spittake that accidentally soaked Yang Xiao Long's hair a bit.

"Peedee's barely around, that boy whose arm you broke was never spoken of again despite Sugar saying there are no one-shot characters, Onion is just...Onion," Star listed off most of the major young male characters. "and Kevin is a full-blown pedo. Seriously, if you and Steven hate him that much, just MeToo his booty! That almost always works!"

"GOT-DAMN!" Noob Noob shrieked in excitement.

"We've all had our fun here but like Mr. McDuck said, nothing's ever gonna be the same without you guys around." Star declared in conclusion. "Just be happy you didn't get killed off in favor of more Teen Titans Go marathons after Together Alone."

With that last zinger, Star gave Steven and Connie a big hug before returning to the celebrities' dais.

* * *

"I still barely understand these jokes. Shouldn't anyone be offended by these?" Yellow whispered to her Pearl. "It's all in good fun, Amethyst told me this before the show started." Yellow Pearl replied. "Now then, shall we continue?"

"If you say so." Yellow added as she took the mic. "And now for our next guests, two in fact. They've been called our sister show for as long as they ran, but frankly I don't see the resemblance. Anyways, give it up for Dipper and Mabel Pines."

The cheering was even louder than ever as the Pines twins took to the podium. "Oh Steven, what else can we say that hasn't been said already?" Dipper smirked. "Large fanbase, dozens of awards, and yet CN still only notices you when new episodes are coming."

"They say Malachite is a toxic relationship personified, but I'd say the connections between fanbases and creators make the Joker Harley look like a Disney romance in comparison!" Mabel added with a big brace-filled smile, inciting another round of giggling. "Like for example, the My Hero Academia fans called Kohei Horikoshi a fascist just because some of his characters share birthdays with Hitler and junk. To that I say hello pot, meet kettle."

Izuku Midoriya let out a nervous giggle from the dais.

"You certainly got that right Mabel. And there's also the Star Wars fandom." Dipper added. "That's it. That's the jo-"

The viewers didn't give Dipper enough time to finish before they let out the loudest laughs yet.

"Remember back before Weirdmageddon where everyone was quick to blame you for everything Bill Cipher did?" Dipper joked to his sister. "Personally, I think I'm more to blame for not allowing Blendin to die during Globnar."

"Aw geez." Blendin Blandin muttered at the buffet table as Dipper's joke made sure that he would never live allowing Bill to possess him down.

"Back onto the Crystal Gems, it's amazing how Pink Diamond actually being Rose has changed how we view her so much." Dipper got back on-topic. "We all know she did some horrible things, but we're just looking at her development in reverse as people online have claimed. So basically we're seeing her go from a badass mother figure to a stupid teenager on par with Star here."

Star blushed so brightly, one could see her cheek marks reappearing.

"And on that note, good grief Star! Haven't seen a show go downhill that fast since Spongebob!" Mabel joked. "No wait, that's been done before. You went downhill faster than Shiro could keep his boyfriend alive!"

Sitting with his fellow Paladins, Shiro let out a good-natured snicker.

"In fact, I can think of quite a few shippings that seem like the Blood Moon forced them together." Mabel continued quipping. "Am I right Voltron and RWBY?!"

While Lance and Keith awkwardly shuffled away from each other, Blake shared a laugh with Yang while drying her hair from the earlier spittake.

"But in conclusion, we're really gonna miss you Steven." Dipper stated. "In case you need a friend or two, we're out there somewhere in the woods."

The twins returned to their seats as the audience cried out "Aaaawwww."

* * *

"That was just utterly precious." White sniffled. "But now onto the opposite of precious: RICK SANCHEZ!"

"Hey, how y'all doing ya f*ks?!" Rick announced to the audience. "Hey, why the shit was that censored just now?"

"I don't think the author is ready to use that word just yet." Blue Pearl answered from backstage.

"Eh whatever, I can make it work." the scientist burped while marching up to the podium. "Oh my Jerry, when did you turn into a Smurf all the sudden? Oh pardon me Lapis, I could barely tell you two apart by your whining."

While Lapis let out a snort, much of the laughter was directed at Jerry's own misfortune as he facepalmed.

"Mother of Christ Lazuli, look at you! You made your debut as a non-corrupted Gem who had awesome powers and a tragic backstory, but then like the Old Man's ships, you were rendered completely useless."

"HHHHHEEEEEE-YEYEYEYEYEYE-YEEEEEE!" the Old Man cried out while the audience continued laughing.

"I mean y-y-y-you've basically become so meaningless that I'm puh-puh-URP-retty sure Yamcha might look actually important in comparison." Rick continued while pointing a finger at the scarfaced bandit, who took the jab in stride. "And that's not even counting how much time you've spent with Peridot acting all buddy-buddy when you first properly introduced yourself to her by breaking her shit and getting off with a slap on the wrist!"

"I don't get it." Peridot muttered.

"But then aaaaaa-again, that seems to be the case with mBURP-most of the enemies Steven goes up against." Rick stated. "Whether you-you wiped out l-l-l-life on other p-planets or k-killed his family, s'all good! Unless you're Kevin."

Believing that Rick was talking about him, Ed Edd n Eddy's Kevin held up a sign saying "DORK!" while sporting a cross look on his face.

"A-a-and onto you Peri." Rick motioned to the smaller green Gem. "H-hey, Nickelodeon called! They want their screaming green midget back!"

"BWAHAHAHAHAHA! It's true, that sucrose human was inspired by me!" Zim let out a shrieking giggle.

"Y-y'know what, I've had enough tonight." Rick said. "Why don't I let my grandson take the wheel, what do you say?!"

"MORTY! MORTY! MORTY! MORTY!" the audience began chanting for Morty while he swapped places with his grandpa. "Aw geez, you're all really too kind." he sheepishly announced. "Y'know Gems, according to a small but very loud portion of your fandom; villains can't have feelings. Well if that's the case, why are so many people jacking off to school shooters on Tumblr?"

The audience let out another ooh for Morty as he continued. "As a matter of fact, I'm sure those same people sided with the Powerpuff Girls when they beat the shit out of that evil birthday clown."

"Figures." Buttercup mumbled.

"And on the topic of girls, put your hands together for one of our newest rising stars," Morty concluded. "Luz Noceda."

* * *

Once Morty was finished, Luz took to the mic. "Oh gracias everyone. I'm still pretty new around here, yet I'm already feeling like a part of the family." she declared. "And speaking of families, I haven't seen one this messed up since the Simpson family. I mean, we have one kid with mother issues dating back centuries, his alien guardians who he refuses to clue in on what's going on and a dad who is probably the only one that can help him."

"A little weak there." Bismuth stated from the Gems' seats. "Try a little hotter!"

"If you say so." Luz replied. "If I had a nickel for every meme Peridot generated, I'd be richer than Mr. McDuck!" Scrooge let out a little laugh of his own as the witch's apprentice continued. "And remember when people were all up in arms about Bismuth getting poofed in her first appearance? Well if it were any other character, would you react the same way?"

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" Bismuth cheered. "Thank you Bismuth! And speaking of which, I'm starting to see a trend lately." Luz stated. "Are you all trying to get kids into Orange is the New Black?! Aside from Uzo Aduba, we've already got Natasha Lyonne as Smoky Quartz, Kimiko Glenn Selenis Leyva in the Ducktales reboot, Danielle Brooks in Tangled, Lauren Lapkus in Harvey Street Kids, Kate Mulgrew in Infinity Train and much more I'm sure I'm not aware of yet! Have you seen what Orange is rated? But then again, I've seen more disturbing stuff on Youtube Kids."

"I hate this place." Jasper snarled from the Crystal Gems' dais, despite not being an actual member.

"Sorry to cut this short, but I think that may be because I haven't known Steven in person very long," Luz finished. "but I do know that you've been an inspiration to us all big guy. Adios."

As Luz left for her seat, a poorly-animated pelican rushed up to the podium from the audience. "I'm sorry, who is that?" Pink Pearl asked before the pelican began to speak in looping frames. "My name is Paddy the Pelican and I've come to make an announcement!" Paddy declared. "You toons these days are all the same with your ongoing storylines, character development and especially the bean mouths and gayness! Why can't we go back to the good ol' days when all cartoons needed to do to be good was make people laugh?!"

"And what makes you say that? Your creator was basically Ed Wood." Jasper snarled rising from her seat to confront Paddy, whose tears of fright were now looping too. "And how did you even get here?! You weren't even invited!"

"I just want cartoons to be good again! Is that too much to ask?!" Paddy exclaimed. "HEY BIRDMAN!" Bender called from the audience. "YOUR SHOW SUCKED, NOW GET OFF THE STAGE!"

The audience began booing for once as Jasper grabbed Paddy by the bill and tossed him down a trapdoor hidden onstage before returning to her seat.

* * *

"Well that surely came out of nowhere." Spinel spoke again. "Can any of our other celebrity guests who haven't talked yet care to lighten the mood?"

"I've got a few jokes tonight." Izuku called from the stands and he made his way to the podium. "Relating to the Pines' earlier comment about Hitler, the Crewniverse once said that World War II never happened in the universe of your show. If that's really the case, then why does Sour Cream's biological dad look like he'd fit right in with a group of Neo-Nazis?"

For such a kind boy, Izuku was spitting some real controversy that made the audience let out another ooh. Even Bakugo was impressed. "Good God, he went there."

"I'm starting to think you might be a bad influence on him." Todoroki commented, inciting anger from the explosive-tempered hero in training. "ZIP IT HALF AND HALF!"

"And another thing, I guess Russia censoring you must be payback for basically replacing them with a giant crater." Deku continued, sparking more chuckles. "And speaking of craters, there's still the fact that Spinel's injector left a big one on Beach City. Though I suppose that's all Pink Diamond's doing since every bad thing has to come from her."

Spinel belted out a massive whooping laugh while declaring "That green bean's on fire!"

"Ah, but just let me be clear Steven. You've really come so far." Midoriya finished. "And as for me, I believe I've got other things to do."

"Like being replaced by Bakugo, Todoroki and Kirishima as the main character?" Rick snarked, causing everyone to laugh at the blushing Deku's expense as he left the podium.

* * *

"Okay everyone, it seems time is running short so let's just have all our remaining guests line up and give at least three jokes before we wrap up." Yellow declared. "First up is the boy and his dog that started it all, Finn and Jake."

The aforementioned human adventurer and his stretchy comrade took to the stage while thanking the audience for their support. "Oh Steven, I remember when you were just starting out." Finn declared. "We lost a lot of fans during seasons 5 and 6 while you were riding on high due to not having to deal with grey morality and annoying romance."

"Might as well have called Peebs the original Pink Diamond. It was even during season 5 too, to boot!" Jake added, causing Bubblegum to blush like mad. "And while we're on the subject, remember when we broke into that wizard city? I'm sure everyone doesn't want to!"

"We're gonna miss you little dude. You were like a little brother to us." Finn said to Steven. "Helps that your creator was inspired by her brother."

* * *

"Our fans are kinda like yin and yang." Tulip Olsen declared. "Mine eventually got what they wanted, while yours didn't get listened to when they thought the Crewniverse stole their Pink Diamond theory."

"In case you're wondering, go visit Tumblr. They're usually good for a pity laugh." Sad-One added to the audience.

"And everyone wants you to get some therapy, but I doubt that'll actually be of help in your current state." Tulip continued. "If you really need some help, stop by the Infinity Train for a bit. But I can assure you, your number will be high!"

* * *

"Gonna have to say Steven, you're lucky to just be thinking of only one girl when you're surrounded by sexy immortal aliens." Rigby stated. "At least you won't be suffering through a love triangle like my favorite simp Mordecai!"

"Dude, quit calling me a simp just because everyone else is!" Mordecai exclaimed from the audience. "There are tons of even bigger simps than I, like how almost every Disney Princess has the hots for their prince charming despite them barely having any personality!"

* * *

"Sometimes I don't know which show between ours is gayer." Adora pondered. "On one hand, you gave us a lesbian wedding but on the other hand, one of my best friends has two dads who are already married."

"What about you and that crazy cat girl?" Jasper asked. "It's super complicated right now!" Adora answered panicking. "On the topic of cats, don't show Lion the recent movie! It'll probably be a bad influence on him!"

Lion slightly tilted his head in confusion.

* * *

"As it turns out, your mom and dad were never legally married." Ruby Rose proclaimed. "Which means you're basically a bastard child. But unlike Goro Akechi, at least you're mostly handling it well."

Akechi simply rolled his eyes at the comment.

"All this talk about Pink Diamond kinda reminds me of my team's own family issues." Ruby kept going. "Blake's parents are thankfully more stable, but the rest? OH-HO BOY! My mom is dead, Yang's own mom has no idea what to do with her life and the less said about Weiss's parents the better! She'd wish to have a dad like yours!"

* * *

"Much like Finn, my show's fans were in a rough spot when you came along Steven." Twilight Sparkle said. "Everyone was screaming at the production crew for giving me wings and turning me into a human just because they wanted to sell toys. Um, did they not realize what the show was made to do in the first place?"

"You tell 'em Twi!" Spike exclaimed from the laughing viewers.

"Meanwhile, you don't even get standard toys because, according to Cartoon Network a long time ago, girls don't play with boy toys." the Princess of Friendship added. "Hello?! Did you suddenly forget about the Powerpuff Girls?! And on another note, we both share identity reveals that shook the way we saw certain characters to the core. Am I right Discord?"

"Only difference is I wasn't labeled villain of the decade!" Discord shouted from a theater box he conjured up.

* * *

"And for our last guest tonight, we have a real special one." White announced. "Please give it up for our favorite little hero in training, K.O!"

K.O raced down the stage to the podium and excitedly gazed out at the audience. "Hey everybody, it's an honor to be here tonight!" he greeted cheerfully. "To prepare my jokes, I've had to look through some tags on Tumblr for inspiration. Fortunately for all of you, I wasn't brainwashed."

"K.O, remember the Crossover Nexus?" Garnet asked from the Gems' dais. "Oh totally Garnet! I'm basically a crossover pimp!" K.O boasted. "Aside from you Garnet, I've met Captain Planet, Raven, Ben 10, Sonic the Hedgehog and even the Ghoul School girls! Who else aside from certain groups on the web remember those monsters?"

"I DO!" Scrappy Doo shrieked as he leaped onto Optimus Prime's shoulder while waving his paws around. "I have no idea who you are!" K.O commented, inciting yet another round of laughs. "And another thing, people often get on Ian Jones-Quartey's case for how Enid is drawn. What's up with that, are girls not allowed to be pretty anymore?!"

Every female onstage started blushing, except for Jasper who just didn't care anymore. Along with them, the audience let out one last big ooh.

"I mean, no one batted an eye to how mommies like Dexter's or Timmy Turner's were drawn with big hips, but this is where they draw the line?" the bodega employee protested.

"OK K.O, I think we've had enough." Steven said as he took the mic from K.O and spoke to the audience. "We've had a ton of fun tonight, some jokes rather risque and others pretty innocent, but we're all here to share one feeling. The feeling that things won't be the same without me around. And I get that, losing someone is pretty hard. Look at Peridot for example, she and Lapis bounced back offscreen after Lapis took the barn into space!"

"Will we ever see how that happened?!" Coran called, to which the barn-mates replied with a dual shrug.

"Back on topic, it's been a magical seven years and I'm just so glad to share it with so many awesome people." Steven declared in conclusion. "So until we meet again everyone, remember."

"BELIEVE, IN, STEVEN!" the audience chanted together in celebration and began cheering for the Crystal Gems as they left the stage one by one.

* * *

_With the end of Steven Universe on the horizon, I felt like this probably hasn't been done yet. I apologize if some jokes may have been a little touchy, but that's roasting for you._


End file.
